tardisprincess

Animesh and I are approaching our second anniversary. This time, we are likely going to be at an SCA event so it should be interesting.

It's been two years since I got that phone call, the one where he said yes to the question I had asked two days before. We've gone through Joni trying to break us up, his surgery, my Fibromyalgia, and my major psychiatric crisis. We came very close to breaking up during that, due to my jealousy and anger. We haven't completely recovered from that, the issues are still being talked about and I'm processing a lot with my new therapist. But even through all that, we are still together. 

He doesn't know it, but he's saved my life about a half dozen times. When I was feeling my lowest, when I felt there was no other option but to kill myself to end my mental pain, the one thought that stopped me was that I didn't want to do that to him. I didn't want to cause him that pain of finding me. I didn't want to miss our life together. It's not a perfect life, but I find contentment and joy in it. 

I'm safe in his arms and he has his arms around me frequently. I'm comforted by his dominance over me. I want to live up to his expectations of me, because I want to please him  I'm still working on learning to submit to his will, concerning other issues in our daily lives but it's such fun and soothing to me when I succeed. 

Two years... it's been an interesting journey. I can't wait to see what happens next. 

 Tonight I did something I have never done before. I went to a movie by myself. It sounds trivial, but it wasn't to me. The movie was Julie and Julia, a movie based on a book that I loved. It's hard to explain why I wanted to see this movie so  much. 

Basically, it's about a woman, Julie who is about to turn 30. She is stuck in a menial job, with no direction, no goals and sees no way out. She's frustrated and bored with her life. So, impulsively, she decides to cook her way through Julia Child's "Mastering the Art of French Cooking". All 500 some recipes in one year. And in the process, she finds a purpose, or at least something to do with her life. She blogs about her experiences and attracts a ton of interest. 

I feel I can relate to her. I'm 26, and I'm feeling lost. I'm bored, I need a goal, something to work towards. I don't think I'm going to cook my way through a cookbook, especially one like "Mastering the Art of French Cooking". But I'm searching for something, something special. 

For now, I will sleep. Tonight will be my last night alone, as my boys are coming home tomorrow. While it was nice having some quiet time to myself, I miss them. It will be nice to have them back. 

Depression is a selfish illness. It sucks up all your energy, your soul, it deadens all the joy in your life and uses it for itself. It makes you tired, short tempered and isolative. You are so wrapped up in your own misery that you can't see how it affects the people around you.

I feel this, like something has smothered the spark that is me. I'm fighting to keep that spark alive, because this is no way to live. I am becoming aware of how my mood has affected the people I love and I deeply regret how I have acted. I can't fix what I did. But I can figure out ways to make sure it never happens again.

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I've just turned 26 years old. And what do I have to show for it? No degree, a dead end job, 3000 dollars in medical bills, and nearly 9000 dollars of credit card debt.

I think this is what's called a quarter life crisis.

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I've just turned 26 years old. And what do I have to show for it? No degree, a dead end job, 3000 dollars in medical bills, and nearly 9000 dollars of credit card debt.

I think this is what's called a quarter life crisis.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

You Are Coffee

The sexiest thing about you is your enthusiasm and stamina. You always say "yes" to your lover and are hard to tire out. Because of your high energy level, you are best in small doses. Too much of you is too much of a good thing. You may not get tired, but you're likely to wear your partner down.

 Well, it's not new. It's a used 2002 Saturn. But it's the first time I've bought  a car from a dealer which seems to make it feel more official. While I hate that I totaled my old car, I do admit that this one is so nice. It's great having a car with air conditioning especially in the summer. It runs much smoother and quieter. And it's bigger. 

I don't have to have a car. But it makes so much of a difference, especially when my fibro is making me hurt. It does mean I have to put in a better effort to exercise. It's also good for when it's just me and Animesh, that way we don't use the less fuel efficient station wagon. 

I have to come up with a name for it. 

I just bought a car all by myself! Biggest check I've ever written in my life.

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Trying out the Livejournal iPhone app.

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Egg rolls. Well, chinese food in general but I love egg rolls. I know they are terrible for you, fried and god knows what inside but I love 'em. I also like wings, but good wings. Done right, they are a sublime crispy treat with just a little fire.

Also, I like walruses, but not to eat. Walruses are awesome.

SQUIRREL!!

My first day at the day program was confusing and exhausting. First I was up at 6 am after only 5 hours sleep. Then the van was late so I stood outside waiting for an hour and a half before it finally came. After we got there, I spent two hours doing the intake interviews with what seemed like 14 people over and over again. And then I spent a half hour in a group therapy session before being pulled out to see the doctor.

So that was my day. My evening? Not sure yet. Tomorrow, probably more of the same but this time, I get to see Animesh! Woot! 

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace

I just spent 3 hours helping my parents clean up their backyard. While I am aching badly, it is against my temperament to just lay around. Besides, it helps keep my mind off other things that are happening today.

I'm emotionally fragile right now. On the one hand, the depression and the voices are better, in fact the voice is all but gone. On the other hand, while I've been discharged from the hospital, I feel like I've taken a step backwards in my recovery. I want to start rebuilding my life, but I can't right now. I'm not home, I'm not living my day to day life. Perhaps this is a blessing, because clearly something wasn't right with my day to day life and maybe living outside of it will give me some clarity. But I ache for home. I ache in my heart to curl up on my couch with a cup of tea and watch movies with my family. I ache to sleep in my own bed with Animesh and feel his warmth and his skin next to mine. His skin is silky and he is my heater when I'm cold.

Tonight I'm going to sit in on an Arbel rehearsal. Although I dropped out this year, I still am a member and on the board. It will be nice to see my old friends again and to sing. I miss singing. I haven't had the heart to do it lately. That was a clue to my emotional state that I didn't want to sing. I sung a little in the hospital but now, my spirit is low now that I have damaged my relationship to the point where I am not sure it can be saved. I'm afraid. Very afraid of the future. I'm a survivor, but the damage that has caused is evident.

He is my best friend, so I would lose out either way!

Seriously, I would say my friends. While I love them dearly, no one could take Animesh's place in my heart.

Depends. If I'm trying to communicate something complicated, I'd rather talk. But if it's a simple message, or something I would rather not have other people overhear (especially at work), then I text. Of course, I can't text everyone so if I want to talk to my mom or dad, I have to call. What I really hate are those stupid Direct Connect chirpy button things. It's bad enough I have to listen to your side of your idiotic conversation, I don't want to hear the staticky other side, especially since no one seems to be able to understand each other so they have to keep repeating themselves. You want something like that? Buy some freaking walkie-talkies. 

"The Constant Princess" Phillippa Gregory
My Tanach (Hebrew bible)
The Worst Case Senario Handbook (gotta be prepared!) 
The Great Gatsby 
Pride and Prejudice (Sorry Animesh, some of us like Jane Austen). 

 
I am currently typing on the smallest notebook computer I have ever seen in my life. I want one! It's a Sony Vaio P Lifestyle. It's 1.4 lbs and it has an 8 inch display. Must have! Need 900 dollars!

 So... there's this cat. No, not that cat. No not that other insane cat either. 

Seriously, I was innocently walking from the car to the house today when this big grey kitty came around the house. It was all meowy and friendly. So, I took it into the house with me. He's (I don't know if it's a boy or a girl so, I'll call it he for simplicity's sake) hanging out in the spare room. He obviously is a runaway or someone's outdoors cat, he's too friendly and well groomed to be a stray. We aren't sure what we are going to do, but we are going to take him to the SPCA to at least get him checked out and maybe there is a microchip or a lost cat flyer there for him. 

Anyone? Free grey cat?